5 October 2018

Sex shop, a poem by Rethabile Masilo

—after Albert Goldbarth

This sex shop enjoys visits to Bangkok in Thailand /
This sex shop is successful because it has licked all the competition /
This sex shop sells crotch-less chastity belts /
Everyone comes here /
This sex shop goes through a lot of mops /
If you come upon anyone you know here you should wipe ‘em off /
They sell a gun-shaped dildo here dubbed ‘The Sex Pistol’ /
This sex shop hates every ‘–ism’, except ‘jism’ /
This sex shop grows its own rubber trees /
This sex shop pierces women’s lips and men’s heads /
This sex shop showed the Goldbergs how to make whoopee /
This sex shop isn’t in The Encyclopædia of Sex; the Encyclopædia of Sex is in this sex shop /
This sex shop isn’t right up anyone’s alley. It’s up yours /
The red carpet leading to this sex shop is a tongue /
The Kama Sutra is dedicated to this sex shop /
This sex shop has a salesman named Rocco /
I saw Adam and Eve browsing in this sex shop /
This sex shop does not have a single die-hard customer /
This sex shop gives you more bang for your buck /
This sex shop’s logo is a cat swallowing a rooster /
Madame Claude was proud to be associated with this sex shop /
This sex shop sells things that go hump in the night /
Red-light districts in Amsterdam were modelled after this sex shop /
This sex shop was given the keys to Sin City /
This sex shop smells like a perineum /
If Jean-Baptiste Grenouille had smelled this sex shop he wouldn’t have killed those girls /
Workers at this sex shop are bound by contract never to say ‘come here’ /
This sex shop has a portrait of Bill Clinton on a wall /
Instead of feather boas, this sex shop uses real serpents /
This sex shop doesn’t discriminate: its customers come in one colour /
When they go low, this sex shop goes down on them /
This sex shop uses sex pots to cook your meat /
If you die here you come and go at the same time /
This sex shop is governed by sexual congress /
No other sex shop can penetrate a market like this one /
This sex shop’s strong-boxes enjoy safe sex /
This sex shop is up all night to get lucky /
Let this sex shop take the first crack at you /
This sex shop gives naughty employees the shaft /
If you lose your key to this sex shop you’ll get no nookie /
This sex shop doesn’t charge much per head /
This sex shop will never do you in the eye /
This sex shop doesn’t cry over spilled milk /
This sex shop is the first and the last of its kind /
This sex shop smells like an ovum fresh from the oven /
This sex shop requires all phones to be on vibrate /
This sex shop conducts tantric sex practicums /
The G-string got its name when someone cried “Gee, what a nice string!” /
This sex shop taught me everything about life /
This sex shop has a kitchen with nothing in it except a table /
This sex shop reads a lot of bodice rippers /
This sex shop agrees that two heads are better than one /
This sex shop sells eau de cologne called Funk In A /
This sex shop is fresh out of deep throat masturbation cups /
This sex shop comes in all shapes and sizes /
This sex shop has a room that has a hay floor /
You can spank this sex shop all you want, it'll turn the other cheek /
This sex shop showed me what a glans smells like /
This sex shop beats off about the bush /
This sex shop wants you to read its lips /
The sign to the book room has a 'B' and not a 'K' /
This sex shop is what Willis was talkin' about /
This sex shop is going to save the fucking world /

The Onslaught Press

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